A lesson in communication

Our legs tangled, his body lying atop mine. He looked at me and asked “what do you want?”, I bit into his shoulder, unable to speak. We kissed some more, our hands exploring each others bodies and still, I couldn’t get the words out. Here I was, half naked with someone and I was having trouble speaking. How is this possible? We stopped fooling around for a moment while he fetched us some water. It was hot and we were both drenched with sweat. He returned and demanded an answer to his previous question, refusing to kiss me again until I answered. “Communication is SM101″, he argued. My lips throbbed to feel his on mine and so I spoke, timidly, “I want to fuck you”.

I had to force out my answer and thinking back this morning, I have no idea why. Why was it so hard for me to tell him what I wanted? I’ve certainly had no problem showing people what I want in the past but when asked outright, I freeze up. I feel like I’ve blamed my ex for this problem, attributing my fear of telling him of my new found kinkiness to the fact that he is painfully vanilla but nope, it’s me. I even have this problem with friends with whom I have no sexual relationship, feeling the need to keep some of my actions and even this blog private from people who I know will accept me regardless. Guess I’ve got some stuff to work on. Hooray for introspection.

It’s also been pointed out to me that I apologize entirely too much, for things I have no control over, for things I have no reason to apologize for. I’m just now beginning to catch myself when I do it and hopefully I will rid myself of the habit.

Cheryl Stewart mentioned last night, one of the things necessary to go deeper into bottoming is taking personal responsibility in making your needs and limits known. I feel like, for me, this is a lesson that I can take and apply to more than just my sex life. Guess we will see where this goes.

And I also feel the need to say thank you to the boy who helped me realize the above for showing me an absolutely splendid and hot night.